End of a Decade & What a Decade its Been!!

So as I sit down reflecting on 2019 I am thinking more of the past decade and how much my life has changed. This isn’t going to a be a photography blog - there will be plenty of other wedding and family photographers summing up their years - hopefully this will inspire at least one person to really look at themselves and find out what it is that will make them truly happy.

Roll back a whole 10 years - I was a 35 year old wife & mum to two daughters, working as a team leader in a workplace that sucked the life out of me. I was a size 32 and was literally comfort eating myself to death

This picture was taken in Dec 2010 - it makes me so sad to look at this but also immensely proud of how far I have come in my life since then. This photo was taken to mark the start of my weight loss journey before I had a gastric bypass. This was to be my magic key to being thin. Yes I lost 4 stone relatively quickly but then had to work really hard at the gym to lose another 6 stone during 2011.

During 2011 my now ex husband & I had to have the hardest conversation with our girls, telling them that their lives would be changing massively. I still think this was one of the most difficult things I have ever had to do in my life & for years after, I felt an immense sense of guilt at the heartache I had caused to both my girls and their dad. It took a few years to really come to terms with this.

It was in the summer of 2012 that I hit rock bottom, emotionally & physically. I just couldn’t cope with everyday life. I really needed time to heal from my marriage breakdown and also from working in a toxic environment. I battled on for another couple of months till I just coudnt’t continue any longer. I took a weeks annual leave, which turned into 3 months sick leave. A lot of you will already know that it was during that weeks leave that I discovered my love of photography when someone loaned me their camera to try & get me out and about in the fresh air. Photography literally made me feel alive & the minute the camera was put away I was back to feeling low again. I learnt a lot during that 3 months about other people too and had never felt so alone. My friends were also my work colleagues and their feeling was that if I was fit to take photographs I should be in work. Ironically, the day I returned back into work from sick leave, they had a meeting with someone about the mental health & well being of their teams - yet I was ignored by most of them and made to feel like I was a nobody. If I had a leg in a plaster cast & on crutches I am sure I would have been treated differently but they actually did me a favour. I knew that I was in the wrong place and it made my decision to hand in my resignation a no-brainer.

The only other thing that I was half decent at was taking photographs, so I decided to start my own photography business which officially opened on 2nd January 2013. I concentrated on being a wedding photographer capturing local couples in Larne, Co Antrim & across the rest of Northern Ireland. Roll on 3 1/2 years & I was super proud to open my photography studio where I was now able to offer family portrait sessions and newborn sessions, which were made even more special by the fact that a lot of my brides and grooms asked me to capture their little ones.

Fast forward to 2019, one of the most pivotal years in my life so far. I found myself in another failing relationship and had just started studying for an MA in Photography. I was flat out working in the studio & had a really important project to start for my MA. So off I travelled to Tyrella Beach & Ballykinler, where I came from before I was adopted as a toddler. My project was about belonging. I took two photographs that were to lead to my life changing dramatically. I was to find myself hitting rock bottom again.

It was at this stage that my life changed dramatically. I went through an intense course of Timeline Therapy with a local hypnotherapist & life coach. This was to be my turning point. Dealing with my adoption and the ultimate type of rejection, from biological parents. My whole life had been full of thoughts of no self worth, not being good enough, constantly seeking approval etc & this was despite the fact that I was adopted by two of the best parents. My timeline therapy helped me deal with all those issues, helped me to not eat based on my emotions. Do you remember I had lost all that weight back in 2011… well I ended up putting a lot of it back on .. down to that old thing called “comfort eating”. I joined my local slimming world group and with the emotional eating switched off I found myself losing weight again but more importantly starting to believe in myself, believing that I was worthy to be loved, that I deserved to do well in life. I have achieved goals this year that I didn’t think were possible in both my personal and my business life, I am in a happy place with my life & am hoping to be able to share that with others through 1:1 business mentoring for photographers.

So this decade started off with me unhappy, eating myself to death & ends with me 9 stone lighter, 8 dress sizes smaller, with a successful business, two beautiful daughters who are growing up far too quickly, an amazing partner who I wish I had met a long time ago, & about to embark on training to become a Wedding Celebrant.

So I suppose my message (if you’ve read right through to the end) is to never lose faith in yourself, surround yourself with people who build you up and who are genuinely happy when you succeed in life.

I cant wait to see what the next decade brings

Happy New Year

Caroline

xx

My "Why"

People over the years have asked me why am I a photographer, why do I love it so much & why is it so important to me.

I first wrote this blog back in Oct 2018 after returning from a photographers retreat in Donegal & a workshop in Belfast. I was inspired by two very talented photographers who got us thinking about our “why”. Why do we take photographs for others? You would think that this would be a fairly easy question to answer. But a lot of soul searching was needed to give the true answer to this question.

I first attended the Learning To Fly retreat in October 2015. Whilst listening to the very talented Paula O’Hara about her photography journey I had my lightbulb moment. I realised then why I love doing what I do for other people. It originally took me 3 years to put “pen to paper” and another 4 since then to update it but with National Adoption Week coming to an end today I thought it was the perfect time to update my story.

Rewind back 41 years. Back to 1977 - 3 years after I was born. In 1977 my life changed in its entirety & for the better. I was adopted by Sean & Sinead - aka mum & dad. They hadn’t been able to have children of their own &, thankfully for me, they decided to adopt. I grew up in a happy house, full of storytelling, imagination, creativity. We didn’t have much money back then but that didn’t stop my brother, sister & I enjoying our childhood. I have this to thank for my own creativity and imagination when it comes to working with kids in the studio for my themed shoots. It brings me back to my dad telling us about goblins trying to get us as we drove up Slieve Gullion in a clapped out old Renault 5 called Clarissa. Those goblins were the exhaust needing replaced but it was so much more fun for us thinking we were trying to escape the goblins while searching for fairies.

As I grew older I suffered from a real identity crisis. I didn’t know who I was, where I fitted in, who I looked like, where I was born, what time I was born at……. This really affected me in my teenage years, & with the help of my mum & dad I started the long journey in trying to trace my biological parents when I turned 18. I came across brick wall after brick wall. Dead ends everywhere & it was soul destroying. I felt so strongly that I needed to find them to find me.

I went to counselling at my local hospital with the loveliest of ladies who helped me get my head around my adoption, talking about the feeling of rejection, the feeling of not belonging anywhere. We talked about what would happen, if I traced my biological parents & they didn’t want to see me or the opposite if they did want to be part of my life. My mum & dad, whilst having their own fears about me tracing my biological parents, were such an immense support to me through that time. I was so angry with the world and I know I put them through hell at times with how I treated them. I needed to lash out & like a lot of people it was the people who gave me the most love that I lashed out at.

When I was 19 I did trace my biological father & met him & his family which was a really positive experience then. But I still had no idea where my biological mother was. Over the next 5 years I kept looking and due to a chance encounter between a lady who worked in welfare at the time I was adopted and my granny I finally met my biological mother - I was 6 months pregnant with my own daughter. It was at this time that I received the only picture I have of me as a baby. A lot of my questions were unanswered, meeting my biological mother didn’t automatically give me my identity like I thought it would. I really struggled after my eldest daughter was born 3 months later. I had severe postnatal depression which the doctor likened more to battle fatigue/ PTSD as I had gone through so much.

My brother had a daughter a year before me & when her & Becca grew older I could see how alike they looked. She had the same colour eyes as me & Becca. This might seem trivial but to me it meant the world. Finally I looked like someone, had the same features as they had. This was the start of me realising that I did know who I was, I had my own wee family & that meeting biological parents wasn’t what was going to give me my identity.

My photograph of me as a baby helped me so much - finally I knew what I looked like. I did get the information about what time I was born at & where but they didn’t really make any difference.

It was only while listening to Paula back at that retreat in 2015 that I realised this photograph was my “why”.

I love capturing special moments for my families and my couples whether its in the studio or on their wedding day. I love it because it makes me feel alive, it makes me feel that I am creating something special that families will look at down the generations, I love it because I am giving them & that child something that I didn’t have until I was just about to become a mother. Something that will show that child how loved they are, how important they are in their families lives. How amazing a gift that is to be able to give to people! I am so fortunate that I found photography when I was 39 & going through a really rough time in life (or maybe it was photography that found me).

No matter what you do in life capture your children, capture you with your children, print the images & display them so that your children know how much they mean to you, that they know exactly where they belong. My mum & dad took me to a studio after I was adopted to capture our adoption photographs. 45 years later they are still called our “adoption photographs” & take pride of place on the wall in my parents home. I love those photographs as I can see how loved I felt, how happy I was to be with mum & dad. But I love them even more now that I have the one baby image of me.. the life before I came to mum & dad.

I suppose I should really show you me seeing as you read so far:

Meet me:

Thank you reading through my ramblings. Thank you to the Learning To Fly photographers retreat, to Jay who brought his idea to life, to Paula for allowing me to open my mind & my heart fully to find out my “why”. Thanks to Rob who also brought his idea to life with Burn Workshop & to Nadia for getting us to question our “why”

I love the fact that I get to do this as my “job” now, creating memories for children and their parents. Maybe we all have to go through hard times to truly find ourselves.

The most important thank you goes to my mum and dad who have made me the person I am today, for giving me a chance at being the best version of me that I possibly can be… love you both xx

For those who are considering adopting a child, no matter what age that child is, you are doing something so selfless that will make such a difference in that child’s life. I know that I wouldn’t be half the person or parent that I am today without mum & dad. They instilled my values & morals, my drive to do my best no matter what I am doing, how to see the argument from both sides & how to just be a good person. Adoption will have its difficulties too, there is no doubt about that. I no longer converse with my biological mother, having finally let go of the toxicity caused by that “relationship” My biological father passed away last year & I finally felt like I could close the book & move on with my life properly. But things that happen in your childhood have a funny old way of resurfacing when you least expect it. Most people who follow me will know I took up cold water dipping this year and lo & behold issues from my early childhood bubbled to the surface. I’ve gone through some therapy this year which really helped me release a lot of how I was feeling about my adoption & in turn has helped me overcome a lot of my fears and anxieties

This is an image of me - taken just after therapy - engulfed in the waves at Ballygally. If I told you that I never put my face in water, not even in the shower you would have never believed me. I suppose our journey of self discovery never really ends… once you figure out one thing another takes its place. I feel so fortunate that my “Why” has led me to be doing such an amazing job, photographing newborn babies, children, families and brides and grooms throughout Northern Ireland and in my cosy wee studio in Larne, Co Antrim; something I hope I can continue to do for many more years to come.